Cold Feet on a Sunny Day

10 Jan

I dont think I want to get married.

8,770 days I waited, dreamed and prayed for a husband. Of a wedding and married life. And then, like the turn of a switch, Im over it. It all actually makes me a little nauseous.

And maybe it wasn’t as quick as a flip. But, I definitely had a change in my heart.

I read a lot of articles on singleness, being married and relationships in general. I recently picked up Real Marriage and appreciate the honesty in the book.

That being said. Maybe it was all too honest.

I was living with a sugar coated idea of marriage. I always thought, you got married and loved each other and fought about who was going to do the dishes and then made up and had babies and lived happily ever after…  I was wrong.

I also have a more abstract view of God and faith. It borders a little on ‘New Age’. And for me, a lot of what I read pertaining to marriage seems legalistic. Rules. Say this. Don’t say that. I understand the need for structure. But, that structure is a contrast to my current life.

And now, I don’t know if I can truly commit myself to something I could potentially be unhappy in. Or be hurt in.

That someone could love me even with my past. And support my goals and dreams.

I cant see myself sacrificing the fun life I live, to be in a relationship with a stranger. Who, until I move in with, might not know if I truly like them.

To let go of the lazy days at coffee shops, long nights at work, going on spontaneous trips, sleeping all day, staying up all night, random shopping excursions here and there. For what….something no one can guarantee I could be happy in.

It’s a big risk.

And dont get me wrong, I love to gamble. Poker is my favorite. Video blackjack is a close second. I love jumping off cliffs and hope to jump out of a plane soon.

But, marriage, is a much bigger risk that I am not sold now. And, I am not sure if I will be anytime in the near future.

So for today, I am thankful.

To be single and have these feelings.

To be able to have days by myself to pray and read and think.

To jump off the next cliff I see. 

And to splurge on the pair of shoes that calls my name.

 

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One Response to “Cold Feet on a Sunny Day”

  1. Kimberly Allen January 10, 2012 at 4:57 pm #

    Interesting as always. Don’t stop dreaming and praying for his will.

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