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UPDATES!!

9 Mar

I have been seriously MIA lately!

Sorry.

So much to say, so many updates.

I still love my job. I have been in the ICU the past few weeks and it has been great.

I have missed church for a good month ūüė¶ boo BUT I have a great small group I can make it to most of the time!!

I took out my weave and joined the natural hair movement.

Became a natural hair product junkie. I dont discriminate…butters, oils, Carol’s Daughter, Miss Jessie’s..I have a problem

Found some red AND pink lipsticks that look awesome on me

I had some medical things going on, but now that I am getting treated I feel 100000x better!!

And I am just enjoying life.

Ready to leave LA and move elsewhere!! I should find out about my next contract soon.

Going to Mexico with friends next week.

Pray for my church in Phoenix, they are going on a missions trip to Fiji next week!!

I think that’s it for now. But, definitely more on the hair story later(It kind of consumes my days).

TTYL ‚̧

Heart on my sleeve..

19 Jan

I love this post on GWP by Kaleigh Somers.

I too have struggled with friends who feel it’s better to keep it all inside when it comes to love.

To wait til theyre drunk to say “I love you”

And then I think ‘Is there something wrong with me?’

If you havent met me, Im Jessica. I like to say it how it is. I don’t have that great of a filter. I am honest with everyone, especially my friends. And I can’t stand people who say ‘Im sorry’ all of the time.

So yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I like people quickly. Then, I am over it quickly. I feel like it’s the best way to be.

To give 110%. And to not worry if it will work out in the end.

Its like sports. Athletes are trained to leave their hearts on the field. To know they gave everything whether it was a win or a loss. So why are we so scared to do this as women?

Sure, we have been hurt. We don’t want to look ‘crazy’. We don’t want to rush things. But I don’t like to waste my time..

I don’t want to have to wait until 5 drinks in, to ramble my incoherent thoughts about love. Only to feel stupid in the morning. And to not remember what I said or, more importantly, the response.

So¬†as Kaleigh writes,¬†“living with your heart in the palm of your hands is much better than never feeling anything at all.”

I whole heartedly agree.

And, to be honest, there is a place I should be more forthcoming with my heart. My prayer is that, time wont run out before I will be able to.

 

 

Quote

Selfishness is not just i…

14 Jan

Selfishness is not just in not sharing that which you have but also in not receiving what one is willing to share with you.

Love it. Speaks volumes to my last few days.

Cold Feet on a Sunny Day

10 Jan

I dont think I want to get married.

8,770 days I waited, dreamed and prayed for a husband. Of a wedding and married life. And then, like the turn of a switch, Im over it. It all actually makes me a little nauseous.

And maybe it wasn’t as quick as a flip. But, I definitely had a change in my heart.

I read a lot of articles on singleness, being married and relationships in general. I recently picked up Real Marriage and appreciate the honesty in the book.

That being said. Maybe it was all too honest.

I was living with a sugar coated idea of marriage. I always thought, you got married and loved each other and fought about who was going to do the dishes and then made up and had babies and lived happily ever after…  I was wrong.

I also have a more abstract view of God and faith. It borders a little on ‚ÄėNew Age‚Äô. And for me, a lot of what I read pertaining to marriage seems legalistic. Rules. Say this. Don‚Äôt say that. I understand the need for structure. But, that structure is a contrast to my current life.

And now, I don’t know if I can truly commit myself to something I could potentially be unhappy in. Or be hurt in.

That someone could love me even with my past. And support my goals and dreams.

I cant see myself sacrificing the fun life I live, to be in a relationship with a stranger. Who, until I move in with, might not know if I truly like them.

To let go of the lazy days at coffee shops, long nights at work, going on spontaneous trips, sleeping all day, staying up all night, random shopping excursions here and there. For what….something no one can guarantee I could be happy in.

It’s a big risk.

And dont get me wrong, I love to gamble. Poker is my favorite. Video blackjack is a close second. I love jumping off cliffs and hope to jump out of a plane soon.

But, marriage, is a much bigger risk that I am not sold now. And, I am not sure if I will be anytime in the near future.

So for today, I am thankful.

To be single and have these feelings.

To be able to have days by myself to pray and read and think.

To jump off the next cliff I see. 

And to splurge on the pair of shoes that calls my name.

 

2012

4 Jan

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

I did.

I got to surprise my Mom, by coming home for Christmas and celebrated NYE in Hollywood with new friends.

I have to say as a young adult I have taken a liking to New Year’s over Christmas. As a kid it was the total opposite. Kids look forward to Christmas and presents and playing. As an adult (particularly this year) I have found Christmas to be more serious. Which it should be.

Fall on you knees. O hear the angels voices.

Quite possibly the most beautiful verses in any Christmas song.

And for me, it reminds me of the seriousness of the season.

So, the new year celebration for me is a cleansing of sorts. Out with the past year’s failure and triumphs and time to start a new chapter. It also helps the I love getting dressed up. I am the type of girl who prefers heels, pantyhose and cocktail dresses. I secretly dream it was still the 1950’s, so I could wear dresses daily, do my hair and makeup during the day, and wear high heels to vacuum and cook.

Since it is now 2012. I can only cling to the fun nights of going out with girlfriends (and the occasional date) to get all dolled up. In any case, I had a blast as usual. Met nice people and a few celebrities.

No resolutions for me though! I didnt have one for 2011, and not to brag, but my year was PHENOMENAL!!! Can you say WINNINGGGGG :p

So I am happy to take my chances and trust God again this year.

There are¬†a few things I already am challenging myself with. One, is giving more financially to the people and things that help me the most. If there is anyway I could say ‘thanks’ to the people and things that have built me up the most, I will let my donations do it. Also, I have already had some unlikely events occur this year…which is GREAT being only 4 days into the year…so praying even more than I already do is something I would like to tackle as well.

I am also, dare I say, ‘superstitious’ when it comes to numbers. But, you would have to know me better to know I have really strange dreams and a lot of ‘feelings’ in my day-to-day, which I¬†go by.¬† 2012 is an even number, so¬†I¬†want to¬†push my creative brain and self this year. When you have a degree and a job its easy to focus on that. But I find so much more happiness when I get to explore the beauty in the world and people. I really cant wait to see what this year brings!!

Previous Post

2 Jan

The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. – Ernest Hemingway

Late Have I Loved Thee

29 Dec

I just started reading St Augustine’s Confessions. What a beautiful book.¬†I am intrigued by his writings and the language of the time.

I appreciate the more abstract ways of expressing my faith. In new words and experiences, through feelings.

To be able to study words from another time in such an artful way.

To hear someone express thier faith and love with, “Behold, Lord, my heart is before Thee; open Thou the ears thereof, and say unto my soul, I am thy salvation.”

I love words..especially those from the earliest centuries.

How did I stumble upon such a book?? A song, written after the prayer. Thanks St Augustine!

Too late loved I Thee, O Thou Beauty of ancient days, yet ever new! too late I loved Thee! And behold, Thou wert within, and I abroad, and there I searched for Thee; deformed I, plunging amid those fair forms which Thou hadst made. Thou wert with me, but I was not with Thee. Things held me far from Thee, which, unless they were in Thee, were not at all. Thou calledst, and shoutedst, and burstest my deafness. Thou flashedst, shonest, and scatteredst my blindness. Thou breathedst odours, and I drew in breath and panted for Thee. I tasted, and hunger and thirst. Thou touchedst me, and I burned for Thy peace.